How to Suck at Writing Reviews

If you are also a book blogger, chances are you post significant amount of reviews. I bet every blogger has his/her own unique method of writing it. I myself rate books based on whether they are enjoyable or not. More serious bloggers may pay attention on more intelligent stuffs like world building, characters personalities, etc. That's the beauty of reviews, they are unique! Still, sometimes you will face a so so (a.k.a nice) review roaming around the blogosphere. Since friendly reviews are so mainstream, maybe you'd like to write a lame one? Here are my tips:

Flood it with those funky gif images

Ha, I like gif images, they are so overdone nowadays they're good! It's a great idea to fill each every paragraph of your reviews with them. Those gifs are expressive, yes, they can help with expressing your emotion into your reviews and they are distracting. Sure you want to distract your readers, the funky pics are cool, who cares if your contents are being read or not.

Rate everything 5 stars

Sure, you can't be too kindhearted can you? Just spread the love around, give high five rating for those lovely books. Hey, fiction is work of art, isn't it? Every art is beautiful! Screw those who blab about credibility, of course you have credibility. Being nice is a form of credibility! Can't stress that enough. Pssst... I heard this rumors that if you rate everything 5 stars, they'll start sending you more free books. I don't know if it's true or not, don't take my word for it, ya'll! People say when something is too good to be true, they're genuinely true! Now, what are you waiting for! Rate the lame book you read last week 5 stars so everybody's happy!

You may want to insult the author

If giving 5 stars just isn't your thing, you might want to attack the author instead just to show what a badass you are. Oh, forget those know-it-all who say your reviews must not contain personal attack, but let's be fair, if the authors get personal praise from readers when they did a good job, they should be tough enough for personal insult too if their book sucks. They deserve it anyway, write a stupid book and you'll get bullied.  Period. End of story.

If that's not enough, insult you readers too

Yes, I am talking about the good-for-nothing that disagree with your reviews. If you say a book is good or bad, it really is, how dare they having their own opinion! Tell them to write their own reviews instead if they're so smart. You don't need them hanging out on your blog, trust me on that! If they persist with that attitude, do some digging about them, call their workplace/land lord/ grandparents or even better, confront them face to face at their house, so they'll know you're not the one to mess with.

Those are my tips on being a sucky reviewer or book blogger, or whatever you call it, I don't care. I strongly recommend you to try them if you consider your self to be an aspiring troll. Let me know how it turns out if you decide to give it a shot!

How do you write your reviews? Are you a bad-ass or a damsel who loves to play nice?