How to Suck at Converting People into Bookworms

What's up, everyone? It has been a while since the last time I posted How to Suck at Everything, ain't it? Since, I am one the the sorriest blogger in this universe, you must have known that inspiration is never been my best friend. I felt blank often, wanting to write a new blog post but I stare at the wall instead.

Ahem.

Now, for today's topic, let's talk about every bookworm's dream. Converting a new soul into our kind. It's a hard process and what sucks the most is, it requires lots of luck (which most of us are lack of) and of course...

 *drum rolls*

Patience.

Because who has patience? None, silly. Actually there are some ways. My ways. The lamest ways. I wouldn't do that if I were you, but since this is my blog, I am free to blab about anything. I can talk garbage, if I want to. Like this post you're reading. So, the first ingredient of the disaster is to...

Stop talking to them imbeciles

... and tell me what differs us from the non-readers mortals? Yes, we're bookish and that's our superpower. There's no need to talk to them, what for? All you need to do is to act like a coolest person ever and fake that you're too busy to socialize. Show them books keep you occupied. The best way to attract people is to make it looks exclusive or mysterious. Humans are curious, entice them and once there's someone silly enough to notice your attitude and show interest...

How to Suck at Keeping Your To - Read List

Morning, everyone! I hope you are feeling great today. Who has a-mile-long to-read list? Raise your hands. Geez, I knew it! It's a problem that spreads like a plague. Every bookworm has it, for Heaven's sake. There's no cure, unfortunately. Well, there is actually, which is to grow another pair of extra eyes to do the extra works.

People say a problem is not a problem unless you allow it to be. I have some tips for you on how to turn it into something really (un)cool that probably earns you the attention you (don't) need. Let me tell you how to handle your never-ending to-read list, the bad-ass way.

Add everything to your to-read list

One of the best way to solve a problem is to not consider it as one. So add those sparkly new books you found this morning on Goodreads. It's not a problem, why stop? It's not like you are growing Jack's magic bean tree. So add everything you can find. Mystery, chicklit, dystopian science fiction, cook book, yoga guide for beginner, anything. I don't care what it is, just add. If you are trying to gain followers/friends on Goodreads, this sure will add an impression of you being so smart.

How to Suck at Being an Etsy Seller

Hey folks! Great to see you again. It's "How to Suck at Everything" again. Yeah, after a long while! I am so in the mood to write a bastardized version on a how-to post, so here it is. So, yes, I sell on Etsy and I am on my second year now. It has been a nice, no, a great experience. I am not an expert, so don't ask me on how to get 77 (ooh... that's my favorite number) sales a day, because I have no idea, BUT, if you'd like to be a badass Etsian, I sure have some guides for ya'. Here it goes:

Post sucky product pictures

Quite self explanatory. You want to be a sucky seller, then post sucky pictures. Yup, I mean the blurry and dark ones you have on your dinosaur phone. Don't waste your time editing them, photo editors are for perfectionist and as Tyra Banks said "perfect is boring". Boohoo, just upload those masterpiece of yours. Ssh... potential buyers are unpredictable creatures, they sure will love unpredictable stuffs. The harder to see picture, the better. Gosh, it's like playing online hide and seek! Who wouldn't love that?

How to Suck at Your Job

Hey there folks! Today I'd like to blab about something different. Not books, not blogs, but corporate job! Yeah, how serious can it sound? Right. Some of you may have known that I have a Monday - Friday day job that helps me feed myself and my family. So, before your proceed, I'd like to give you a warranty that these info, ladies and gentlemen, are accurate. Don't believe me? Oh, you better do! I act like a know it all on the previous How to Suck posts, but this time, I do know about it all *evil grins*

First and foremost, this post is inspired by reality. I may dramatize things a bit just for the heck of it, but it's solely just to deliver you the points. It has been 10 years since I started working, so I can say that I've witnessed enough. If you believe it's time for you to show what a bad-ass you are at work, you better trust me in this. I know what I am talking about, so let's start!

How to Suck at Being A Blogger

Hi folks! Here I am again acting like a know-it-all shoving (supposed to be) tips to your faces. Well, I had fun writing How to Suck at Writing Reviews and hey, why not write more post like it. So, I decided that this kind of stuff would be a regular thing on my blog, but since my inspiration is more unpredictable than the weather, I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you.

Let's talk about sucky bloggers. Just like what we agreed on my previous post, a good blogger is so mainstream (and boring), you might not want to be one of them.

Email every publishers/authors on this universe asking for freebies

Dear publisher/authors

My name is yada yada and a professional book blogger. My blog is extremely famous, I get around a gazillion page views per day, so you have to give me free books to review. It's a win win situation because I get the book and you get the exposure.

Best,

Yada Yada

Such a cool pitch email, isn't it? A blogger who doesn't approach every publisher/author he/she can find is some kind of a troglodyte. Come on, it's 2015 and you still don't have the guts to approach the big guys? Now sit on your computer desk, write the emails and send them around already.

How to Suck at Writing Reviews

If you are also a book blogger, chances are you post significant amount of reviews. I bet every blogger has his/her own unique method of writing it. I myself rate books based on whether they are enjoyable or not. More serious bloggers may pay attention on more intelligent stuffs like world building, characters personalities, etc. That's the beauty of reviews, they are unique! Still, sometimes you will face a so so (a.k.a nice) review roaming around the blogosphere. Since friendly reviews are so mainstream, maybe you'd like to write a lame one? Here are my tips:

Flood it with those funky gif images

Ha, I like gif images, they are so overdone nowadays they're good! It's a great idea to fill each every paragraph of your reviews with them. Those gifs are expressive, yes, they can help with expressing your emotion into your reviews and they are distracting. Sure you want to distract your readers, the funky pics are cool, who cares if your contents are being read or not.