Hey folks! Great to see you again. It's "How to Suck at Everything" again. Yeah, after a long while! I am so in the mood to write a bastardized version on a how-to post, so here it is. So, yes, I sell on Etsy and I am on my second year now. It has been a nice, no, a great experience. I am not an expert, so don't ask me on how to get 77 (ooh... that's my favorite number) sales a day, because I have no idea, BUT, if you'd like to be a badass Etsian, I sure have some guides for ya'. Here it goes:
Post sucky product pictures
Quite self explanatory. You want to be a sucky seller, then post sucky pictures. Yup, I mean the blurry and dark ones you have on your dinosaur phone. Don't waste your time editing them, photo editors are for perfectionist and as Tyra Banks said "perfect is boring". Boohoo, just upload those masterpiece of yours. Ssh... potential buyers are unpredictable creatures, they sure will love unpredictable stuffs. The harder to see picture, the better. Gosh, it's like playing online hide and seek! Who wouldn't love that?
Ship only when you feel like it
I mean, who do they think they are dictating how to run your business? Business is for bad-asses and we do it the bad-ass way. When you say you will ship, you will. That's it. No need to ask further questions. Ignore the incoming message asking the shipping date. Don't they know you have other things to do other than that? So, write a template message for something like "Thank you for your inquiry, but unfortunately I'm not single, so please don't message me anymore. I hope you'll find your date on the nearest website soon." It's brief and effective which will enrage your customer big time. So high five, one wicked mission accomplished!
Badmouth your customers on the public forum
Oooh... this is my favorite. Where else is the best place to pull a scene if not the public forum? Call their names there or mention their shop name (any would do) and state why you don't like their attitude. Yeah, sometimes people need a slap on their wrist, or even better, a punch on their jaws. Also note that forum post are crawled by search engine regularly, so it's a big warning to future customers that you shop is not to mess with. Your customer service is not theirs to criticize, tell them if the are so keen on criticizing you, why not try to start their own business to play with?
Don't bother doing safe packaging
Bubble wraps, peanuts, who got time for that? Just wrap your item around with anything you have like newspaper, add shipping label and be done with it. Once the item is paid for, it's not yours anymore. Not yours = not your responsibility. Why care is if gets damaged during shipping? Just blame it on your postal service and shrugs. Tell your customer to talk with the courier. It's their item, their property, so stand up for it, sheesh!
Get the picture? The key is, don't let your customer be more intimidating than you are. You are the seller, so do take control. Ignore all the advice that buyers and sellers are partners. What nonsense! You don't even know each other's birthday, how can you be partners? *snorts*
Oh, if you feel like doing some window-shopping, here's a link to my shop. I don't treat my customers like I said above though. Can you believe that? I even don't believe in my own post! *shrugs*
Enough nonsense. Your turn now! What's your latest online purchase? Have you ever shop on Etsy?
